Warning: It's all downhill after Barbie

Thanks to C&RL for taking this pic of Vespa Barbie for me in the Times Square Toys R’ Us, which is apparently eons better than your average TRU (and hopefully smells better, too). I miss C&RL. I am also jealous of Barbie because her Vespa has a topcase and mine does not. Since Barbie could fit that outfit she’s wearing in a coin purse, I’m guessing she needed the topcase to store her collection of abnormally large earrings. Still, I wouldn’t kick her out of my scooter gang.

That’s right—I am looking for a few good friends to ride scooters with. Yes, I am well aware that five million Vespa clubs already exist. However, my extensive Internet research into these clubs has revealed that most of them are SO obsessed that they appear to be trolling for converts to their Church of the Holy Vespa. I already have religion, folks. I’m just looking for a gang.

Fortunately, this very blog has prompted tons of people I already know and like to send me emails asking for information about buying a scooter. I have answered each of these emails in my usual longwinded fashion in an attempt to convince my friends to take the scooter plunge and, eventually, to join my gang. Because all the emails included similar questions, I decided to post the most common questions and answers here in the event other potential gang members were harboring a scooter fancy. But be forewarned that this is a contender for Boringest Blog Post Ever, and there aren’t even baby pictures involved.

Q: At the risk of being tacky, how much did your Vespa cost?

A: This is the kind of matter that is not so tacky when discussed in a personal email, but is much tackier when posted on one's blog, so I hope you'll excuse me for talking around the bottom line. The MSRP for an LX 150 is available on Vespa's website. Buying the Vespa was like buying a new car—I talked to a couple of different dealers and each one was willing to deduct a chunk off the MSRP (about 10%), but then the price magically went up again once sales tax, destination/shipping fees, and license and registration were added in. The shipping fee for Vespas is particularly high because they do indeed come from Italy. As my Marina del Rey dealer oh-so-punnily put it, "From Venice to Venice." (wah-wah.)

Q. Yikes, I just looked up the price and it is more than I thought. Why didn't you buy a different brand scooter for half the cost? Vespas aren't that cute.

A: First, the really low-priced scooters are 49cc scooters, while mine has a 150cc engine. Because I wanted the assurance that I could keep up with all sorts of LA street traffic, I decided early on that I would get a 150cc. This ruled out a lot of the really cute, really cheap smaller scooters out there, like the Malaguti Yesterday (so dang retro cute!) and the sporty Honda Ruckus (so matches my Jeep!).

Second, the Vespa is like the S-class of scooters, and although I've never been a luxury car freak, the Vespa perks really added up and justified the expense. Vespas have a metal body while a lot of other scooters have plastic bodies and look like kids' toys up close. Also, although anyone who is really determined to steal your scooter will be able to do so, Vespas have an antitheft coded-key system just like a luxury car. And let's be honest—the Vespa brand recognition is the best.

Q. What other "hidden costs" have you had due to the Vespa?

A. Okay, nobody has actually asked me this in an email, but they should have, and just like I did with all my email inquirers, I am now going to provide this unsolicited information to you.

First, there are "legal" fees: $27 for my motorcycle permit, and it looks like $235 to take a state-sponsored basic motorcycle safety class that I can take in lieu of an actual motorcycle driving test at the DMV in order to get my "M" class license.

Second, "gear" costs: $65 for a helmet (definitely on the cheap end); $20 for riding gloves I no longer use; $30 for a keychain garage-door opener for my apartment building's gated garage because it proved too awkward to open the Vespa's glovebox to access my large garage door opener. Also, although I realize they're SO five years ago, I'm thinking about getting a backpack-style purse to use when I ride the Vespa to keep the under-seat cargo space available.

Heh heh--I lied about the baby pics. This is my nephew, Lil' Gee, and his dog Asher.

And this is my niece, Miss Dub.

Third, and most important, "insurance": This one was a shock. I did research scooter insurance before buying the Vespa—the only problem is that I did it three years ago in Utah and it is no longer good information. As it turns out, my Vespa insurance is only about 30% less than that on the Jeep. I am told that it will go down once (a) I have received my M license, (b) I have passed the motorcycle safety class, and (c) a certain speeding ticket is no longer on my record.

Q: Do you think I'd be able to ride a scooter?

A: Sure, you're a pretty good driver, albeit a bit of a right-hugger.* If I can learn to ride one, you definitely can. And despite my tendency to make mountains out of molehills, I hope you can see from this blog that learning to ride the Vespa has actually been far easier than I anticipated.

Q: Will riding a scooter help me attract members of the opposite sex?

A. Absolutely. I mean, I just checked my calendar and confirmed that I have no Vespa-instigated dates scheduled for the next couple of weeks. Or ever. But I'm sure it will be different for you. And why go to the trouble of actually talking to someone you like when you can just circle them in the church/school/work/7-11 parking lot and pop wheelies until they fall madly in love with you?

More seriously, I think the Vespa-as-bait theory holds truer for guys than for girls. First, guys look like guys while riding scooters, whereas girls look like guys while riding scooters. It's embarrassing to publicly admit this, but when I bought the Vespa I had ridiculous visions of riding it while wearing a cute summery dress and heeled sandals. The reality is big helmet, jeans, hoodie and sneakers. I always feel a little unattractively butch in my Vespa wear, and although there's nothing wrong with being a tomboy, it's just not me. I might expound on my clothing options once I'm confident I won't crash and burn and get horrible road rash, but the headwear and footwear are really non-negotiable. Thank goodness cute sneaker-flats are in right now.

Second, there is what I like to call the Matterhorn Effect—namely, the fact that carpooling on a Vespa or in a Disneyland bobsled naturally involves more full-body contact than carpooling in a sedan. I'm just guessing, but I would assume a guy would have more success in exploiting the Matterhorn Effect than would a girl. I don't anticipate that a lot of guys are going to be eager to ride on the back of a dragon red Vespa driven by a 5' 3" woman, at least not guys who are cute and/or mentally stable and/or have clean criminal records. By contrast, I'd assume the average Joe might have some success in fast-forwarding a new relationship to Bear Hug Level by taking a girl for a ride on his scooter.

Again, this is all supposition. Let us know if you agree or disagree in the comments section.

Q. If I buy a scooter, will you let me be in your gang?

A. Uh, maybe.

* As the world's worst left-hugger, everyone seems like a right-hugger to me.