Weird Valerie Appreciation Day

This blog has been all about the scooters lately. And that's not necessarily bad, as Vespatherapy is the theme and all, but like the small-print readers at the end of pharmaceutical ads, I realize the same prescription "is not for everybody."

And so forgive me, but this post will be less about Vespas and more about Valeries—Weird Valeries, in fact. My astute friend and former law school classmate Wingonwing is the brainchild behind the "Weird Valerie" moniker. Like me, Wing switched schools every so often as she was growing up, an experience that made her realize that there is one girl at every school who's really eager to befriend the new students—too eager, in fact. That girl is Weird Valerie.

On your first day of school, you're really grateful for Weird Valerie's hospitality and willingness to show you around, eat with you in the cafeteria, etc. By your third day you've nailed your schedule and met a few people you think you might have more in common with than WV, who simply won't stop repeating recent conversations she's had with her pet gerbils (both sides). By the fifth day you realize it's not socially possible to incorporate WV into your new group of friends, especially when mom always said that "beggars can't be choosers," and as a new student, you are definitely begging for acceptance. During the second week you have an awkward exchange with WV in the lunch line, when she turns to go to her regular spot and you say "Actually, I was going to go eat with Other Person today." You feel terrible, but WV shrugs her shoulders and doesn't even ask to come with you. By your second month, you no longer say "hi" to her when she passes in the hall.

And, mind you, Wing and I are not sexist. Weird Valerie definitely has a male counterpart, and his name is Weird Sheldon. As Wing has observed, WS spends most of his time on first dates "at that burger place on . . . university avenue? remember that place? with the shakes?" If you are a single girl, do not talk to WS unless you want to end up on just such a first date. Be further forewarned that WS keeps a diamond ring handy in the event there is ever a second date.

While her actions are predictable, Weird Valerie is a bit of an enigma. First, does she recognize what an important and selfless role she serves as the designated transitional friend to new students, neighbors, coworkers, etc.? She's like a person standing along a fence, cupping her hands so she can give everyone a lift up, only there's nobody left to give her a lift when she needs it.

Second, what would Weird Valerie say if she truly spoke her mind? Is there more to her than mothballs? Does she realize that her timid preference for light-hearted and completely unrelatable topics such as gerbils and her desire to learn Gaelic is, perhaps, the very source of her pariah status? Because when you take a step back, you realize that Weird Valerie is perfectly capable of faking normal—it's why you were friends with her in the first place.

And haven't we all felt like Weird Valerie at certain times and places in our lives? For example, Wing started a new job a month or two ago, and she's convinced that she's the Weird Valerie at her workplace. I am convinced Wing is full of it and is just frustrated that she hasn't yet made 50 new BFFs, as she is prone to doing—but I'll save that debate for our lengthy email exchange on the topic. As evidence of her Weird Valerie status, Wing offers that she is "becoming a nervous unnecessary storyteller, like, that person who is all, OH that happened to me once, blah blah unnecessary poorly told storycakes that no one cares about . . .when did i turn in to this person? no seriously. when?"

So I have to admit that sometimes when I am driving around on my Vespa, I fear I'm the Weird Valerie of the road. The reason is that I feel like with my jeans, hoodie, and rubber motorcycle gloves, I look like a girl with "something to prove." But the reality is that I'm just a girl who likes red and shiny things, who wanted to learn something new, and who is trying very, very hard not to die in the process. When I look at Wing's situation and my own, I realize that we get Weird Valerie paranoia when we believe others have an untrue or unfair perception of us. Truth be told, they probably haven't had the time to form such a perception—like us, they were too busy faking normal.

So, given all my recent thoughts towards and sympathy for the Weird Valeries of the world, I thought I would nominate today as WEIRD VALERIE APPRECIATION DAY. I feel safe declaring this here, as I don't consider any of this blog's readers to be Weirds of the Valerie or Sheldon type. I think we should all take a minute to call, email, or text a Weird Valerie in our life and let her know how much we appreciate her friendship and willingness to help others. Feel free to report back in the comments section, if you feel so inclined.

(But whatever you do, please, PLEASE do not call me today. It would seriously take me 50 Vespa rides to get over it.)

Postscript on the Green Thing

Thanks for all the awesome comments regarding your personal proclivity for scooter-riding, which reminded me about a few more shareable scooter tidbits.

So, I don't know how many of you are already familiar with the Piaggio MP3, pictured below:


As you can see, it's a three-wheeled scooter. As you can also see, it is a little strange-looking because those crazy Italians put the third wheel in the front, while we Americans generally prefer our third wheels in the back. I don't know if it's fair to say the MP3 "took the scooter world by storm," since the scooter world seems impervious to storming because it is both cool as a cucumber and incredibly factionalized by brand loyalties--but the MP3 WAS the most-anticipated innovation in a long time in an industry that has remained relatively stagnant for 50 or so years.

Apparently, Piaggio spent a great deal of time and effort engineering the MP3 so that the two "independent" front wheels were capable of tilting up to 40 degrees, like so:

The advertised result is that the "MP3 provides safety, road grip and stability levels that no two-wheeler can match. Its power, performance and ease of use make for a very entertaining ride." No doubt the MP3 would be easier to learn to ride than a standard scooter in the same way that training wheels make it easier to learn to ride a bicycle. It would also be way more convenient in parking and other situations, where I often find myself frustrated while trying to do one thing with my left hand while supporting the entire weight of the Vespa with my right hand--like take off my gloves, pull out a parking ticket, etc. Usually, my teeth have to get involved at some point. (Of course, this wouldn't be so much of a problem if my legs were of average length and could both reach the ground at the same time while I was on the Vespa to hold it steady.)

And next year, the MP3 (along with a wimpy Vespa LX 50) will be available in a HYBRID version. You sacrifice your entire cargo space under the seat for the battery, but isn't helping the environment and saving on gas worth wearing a gigantic and unattractive backpack everywhere you go?

Unfortunately, the cost of all that engineering has been passed on to the consumer. The scooter world (specifically, the scooter blogging world) has lauded the "fun" factor of the MP3, but railed against its $7000+ price tag. Indeed, the dealership where I bought my Vespa had several MP3s in stock and almost every shopper paused to look at them and sit on them, but I didn't see anyone buy one. I also haven't seen any on the streets of West LA, where I regularly see Bentleys, Lotuses and other vehicles that appeal to the "Look at me! I'm driving something expensive and different!" motorist.

Come to think of it, maybe if Piaggio raised the MP3 price to $170,000, they would sell a few more around here...

It's Not Easy Being Green

Life with Vespa continues, but I’m always beating myself up about not driving the Vespa more than I do. A while ago I made a goal to start driving it to work one day a week, and I have yet to fulfill that goal. Part of it is a snoozing issue, part of it is a wardrobe issue, and part of it is a fear issue. Still, I feel guilty.

But consider this, which I pulled off the Vespanomics Fact Sheet:

If Americans were to switch just 10% of their total mileage to scooters, they would consume 14 - 18 million gallons less fuel per day and carbon dioxide emissions could be reduced by 324 million
pounds per day as well. (Source ICR survey, May 2006).

On a personal level, they could also reduce fuel consumption by approximately 58%, carbon dioxide emissions by 80%, and significantly reduce traffic congestion.

By my calculations, I have switched 20% of my total mileage from the Jeep to the Vespa. This is based on nothing more than the fact that the Jeep used to go through at least 4 tanks of gas per month, but now goes through 3-ish. Indeed, I do almost all my weekend driving on the Vespa. Last Sunday I even rode it to church and learned a valuable lesson in the process: do not ride the Vespa while wearing a pencil skirt.

Still, that’s a personal savings of about $50 a month without even trying. Also, I have to admit that while I’m no environmental activist, it feels good to know I’m doing my part, even if there’s room for improvement.

But Piaggio (which manufactures the Vespa) is taking it further:

In an effort to position motor scooters and motorcycles as a viable solution for America's oil dependency problems, Piaggio Group Americas is encouraging local and federal government agencies to consider adopting parking and traffic reforms that facilitate the use of two-wheel vehicles as a transportation alternative available to the general public.

This got me thinking about the lousy parking available for two-wheeled vehicles. Let’s face it: everyone gets mad when they see a scooter taking up a whole, real parking space. And while it’s true that I’ve generally found great “alternative” parking for the Vespa, to date I think I’ve only legally parked the thing once. Most of the time I park in those spaces with lines painted through them and miraculously get away with it. I stopped parking in the blue ones once I realized they were there to enable disabled persons to exit their vehicle. So the yellow ones are all I’ve got left. And as I’ve mentioned before, most LA parking garages are not scooter-friendly because entrance requires setting off a weight sensor in addition to taking one’s ticket.

I realize scooters are not a solution for everyone or practical for every trip. Obviously, I don’t begrudge moms (or dads) for driving cars big enough to hold multiple little people when required. And even on the weekends I take the Jeep to places like Costco or Home Depot. But I’m curious:

• If the purchase price, gear, and insurance were not an issue, would you consider getting a scooter (or smaller motorcycle)?
  


• If so, what would you use it for—commute, pleasure, or both?
  


• If not, what are your reasons (family’s too big, safety concerns, etc.)?

Happy Days Are Here Again

So, here it is, MY dragon red Vespa, on Ocean Boulevard in Santa Monica, overlooking the Pacific Ocean (which you can’t see in the picture, but trust me, it’s below those cars and trees in the background and it’s beautiful).

Today is Labor Day and my labor of choice was driving my Vespa down to the beach and back, thus breaking my three-week Vespa hiatus. I have to admit, I was a little nervous, feeling as though everything I learned in my long months of Vespa practice would have been forgotten in the intervening downtime and this would be like that first ride all over again. In fact, I was downright cranky at the notion of even having to leave my house today. I suffer from what we call “the Sunday Night Blues” in the Ess family—you know, that sad feeling you get on Sunday night when the pressures of the coming workweek begin to take mental shape. This Sunday night was blissfully blues-free due to the three-day weekend, but for some reason I’ve spent all Monday with a Sunday Night Blues-type feeling rather than cavorting about and enjoying the holiday as I should.

The Roommate saw me stomping out the door this afternoon and predicted that once I actually got on the Vespa, I would remember how fun it was. I hate to say it, but…

She was right.

This ride was just what I needed to lift my spirits—a phenomenon that supports this blog’s underlying theme of Vespatherapy. First, not only had I not forgotten how to drive it, but it seemed like I had almost gotten better. I think I’ve finally learned to relax a little when I’m riding the Vespa—today I drove about four miles before I realized that I hadn’t thought about my feet even once. By “my feet,” I mean the timing of when to pick up my right foot when taking off after a stop and, similarly, when to set it down once I’ve come to a stop. It’s not the biggest deal in my Vespacades, but it’s something that heretofore I’ve been really aware of. The fact that I made several stops today without even thinking about it means everything is coming a little more naturally, no?

Second, I got this awesome Vespa Wave and honk from a fellow rider today. Those of you who ride motorcycles are doubtlessly familiar with the Biker Wave that you are required to give to all passing bikers under threat of death by the Hell’s Angels, or whoever the biker gang du jour is (clearly I haven’t paid attention in decades). As everyone knows, motorcyclists do not consider scooters real “bikes,” and so I’ve only been the recipient of a few courtesy biker waves to date (picture a helmeted guy rolling his eyes while half-heartedly raising a few fingers of one hand as he passes in the opposite direction). This is fine by me as I am still loathe to raise either of my hands while driving for fear of spinning wildly out of control. In fact, when I do get a wave, all I can muster is a nod of my head and a smile that says “I would wave back, but I’m probably going to crash at any minute as it is. And yes, I could drive this thing with my legs crossed if I wanted to. Deal with it.”

For the record, I have never gotten a wave from a non-Vespa scooterist (and on that topic, I seriously question the name Kymco Peoples, as those who drive them don’t seem like “people” people to me). But the Vespa-Vespa passing rules are carved in fine Italian marble: you MUST wave and cheering or whistling, while optional, is encouraged. As you might have guessed, the Vespa Wave is somewhat more eager than the Biker Wave: the elbow is fully raised and the hand is whisked briskly from side to side. While the casual Biker Wave seems to state “Hey,” the Vespa Wave says “Oh my gosh! Hi! Hi There!! We both like Vespas—isn’t that cool?!!”

Again, due to my poor motoring confidence, the most I have been able offer in response to a Vespa Wave is a raised shaking of a couple of fingers with a nod of the head. Until today. Today I approached a particular intersection and, as I did so, I could see a guy on a Vespa stopped in the cross traffic. He didn’t see me, and I realized that it was my duty to instigate the Vespa Wave. I was really apprehensive as I am semi-allergic to public displays of enthusiasm and I generally don’t like to instigate anything. Still, I took a deep breath and, as I drove through the intersection and passed him, I full-on took my right hand off the throttle and waved vigorously for 1.5 seconds. My efforts paid off when he waved just as vigorously back at me and followed it with a few cheerful honks. I don’t know why, but it just made my day.