Weird Valerie Appreciation Day

This blog has been all about the scooters lately. And that's not necessarily bad, as Vespatherapy is the theme and all, but like the small-print readers at the end of pharmaceutical ads, I realize the same prescription "is not for everybody."

And so forgive me, but this post will be less about Vespas and more about Valeries—Weird Valeries, in fact. My astute friend and former law school classmate Wingonwing is the brainchild behind the "Weird Valerie" moniker. Like me, Wing switched schools every so often as she was growing up, an experience that made her realize that there is one girl at every school who's really eager to befriend the new students—too eager, in fact. That girl is Weird Valerie.

On your first day of school, you're really grateful for Weird Valerie's hospitality and willingness to show you around, eat with you in the cafeteria, etc. By your third day you've nailed your schedule and met a few people you think you might have more in common with than WV, who simply won't stop repeating recent conversations she's had with her pet gerbils (both sides). By the fifth day you realize it's not socially possible to incorporate WV into your new group of friends, especially when mom always said that "beggars can't be choosers," and as a new student, you are definitely begging for acceptance. During the second week you have an awkward exchange with WV in the lunch line, when she turns to go to her regular spot and you say "Actually, I was going to go eat with Other Person today." You feel terrible, but WV shrugs her shoulders and doesn't even ask to come with you. By your second month, you no longer say "hi" to her when she passes in the hall.

And, mind you, Wing and I are not sexist. Weird Valerie definitely has a male counterpart, and his name is Weird Sheldon. As Wing has observed, WS spends most of his time on first dates "at that burger place on . . . university avenue? remember that place? with the shakes?" If you are a single girl, do not talk to WS unless you want to end up on just such a first date. Be further forewarned that WS keeps a diamond ring handy in the event there is ever a second date.

While her actions are predictable, Weird Valerie is a bit of an enigma. First, does she recognize what an important and selfless role she serves as the designated transitional friend to new students, neighbors, coworkers, etc.? She's like a person standing along a fence, cupping her hands so she can give everyone a lift up, only there's nobody left to give her a lift when she needs it.

Second, what would Weird Valerie say if she truly spoke her mind? Is there more to her than mothballs? Does she realize that her timid preference for light-hearted and completely unrelatable topics such as gerbils and her desire to learn Gaelic is, perhaps, the very source of her pariah status? Because when you take a step back, you realize that Weird Valerie is perfectly capable of faking normal—it's why you were friends with her in the first place.

And haven't we all felt like Weird Valerie at certain times and places in our lives? For example, Wing started a new job a month or two ago, and she's convinced that she's the Weird Valerie at her workplace. I am convinced Wing is full of it and is just frustrated that she hasn't yet made 50 new BFFs, as she is prone to doing—but I'll save that debate for our lengthy email exchange on the topic. As evidence of her Weird Valerie status, Wing offers that she is "becoming a nervous unnecessary storyteller, like, that person who is all, OH that happened to me once, blah blah unnecessary poorly told storycakes that no one cares about . . .when did i turn in to this person? no seriously. when?"

So I have to admit that sometimes when I am driving around on my Vespa, I fear I'm the Weird Valerie of the road. The reason is that I feel like with my jeans, hoodie, and rubber motorcycle gloves, I look like a girl with "something to prove." But the reality is that I'm just a girl who likes red and shiny things, who wanted to learn something new, and who is trying very, very hard not to die in the process. When I look at Wing's situation and my own, I realize that we get Weird Valerie paranoia when we believe others have an untrue or unfair perception of us. Truth be told, they probably haven't had the time to form such a perception—like us, they were too busy faking normal.

So, given all my recent thoughts towards and sympathy for the Weird Valeries of the world, I thought I would nominate today as WEIRD VALERIE APPRECIATION DAY. I feel safe declaring this here, as I don't consider any of this blog's readers to be Weirds of the Valerie or Sheldon type. I think we should all take a minute to call, email, or text a Weird Valerie in our life and let her know how much we appreciate her friendship and willingness to help others. Feel free to report back in the comments section, if you feel so inclined.

(But whatever you do, please, PLEASE do not call me today. It would seriously take me 50 Vespa rides to get over it.)