This Is Major Tom to Ground Control

Is anybody still reading this blog? I know that I, for one, gave up on it a long time ago. In fact, it’s been SO long since I checked my own blog that the address didn’t even pop up automatically on my Google toolbar. I had to, like, type the whole thing in and I could barely remember it (.net? .org? .gov?). It was akin to getting bumped from one’s own speed dial. Except that there’s really no point to having your own number on speed dial other than trying to look like you have more friends than you do to a crazy person who has asked to borrow your phone only to snoop as to whose numbers you hold most dear, kind of like those people who ask to use the restroom just so they can see what meds you are on. But if you have such a crazy person in your life, you probably have bigger things to worry about than having at least nine contacts in your phone. Also, you should probably delete your own number and use the space for 911. I have a feeling you’ll eventually need it during some altercation with the crazy person. And remember, if the crazy person is reaching for the phone as you’re dialing it, just shout out your location really quick for the 911 operator—don’t feel a need to start in the beginning with how you met this person and they asked to use your restroom and they seemed nice enough but the next thing you knew they were dressing exactly like you and threatening you at scissorspoint to vote for their favorite contestant on American Idol followed by a quick but unconvincing “just kidding!” and now they’re trying to put duct tape on your mouth and wrestle the cell phone out of your hand. Time is of the essence, and cell phone locations are not as easily traced as all the Law & Orders would have us believe.

But I digress…


As I have informed the many kind souls who have inquired about the lack of posting, it’s not that I haven’t blogged because nothing’s been going on, it’s that I haven’t blogged because TOO much has been going on and, as it turns out, although blogging may not require thought, blogging does require time. First off, much craziness has been going on at work but, as you may have noticed, with one sleep-deprived exception, I don’t really blog about work specifics and neither should you for that matter, unless your blog is private and none of your invitees believe a single word you say and you begin every work-related sentence with “In my satirical opinion…” (And kudos to M*** of TPHS for realizing this and privatizing her blog only seconds after her boss asked if she had one.) As for me, that whole attorney-client privilege thing really precludes it. As for you, the lack of millions of extra dollars in your checking account labeled “libel fund” does the same.

Second, much craziness has hit the Ess Fam in the past month or two, most of it health-related, none of it involving me, aside from my slow but steady advance towards morbid obesity, type 2 diabetes, hypertension, and stress-related ulcers, which I have named “One Taco at a Time.” Unfortunately, the undeserving Mrs. Dub and PDaddy have been the victims this go around. As the working girl in the fam (okay, SIL is a very busy full-timer as well), my only contribution to date has been to field tons of phone calls, but I took those phone calls when I would have been blogging and I have no regrets.


Third, I have made some important decisions in my ongoing and much-chronicled “where do I want to live?” and “will I ever buy a house?” personal dilemmas—decisions which will be posted here in a few months once they are fully executed. In the meantime, I don’t want to give anyone at that place that shall never be blogged about the heads-up that I’m not long for their world and so, in the event that there are any crazy people of the type described above at that unnamable place who have figured out I have a blog but have not informed me of the same (a semi-likely situation), I am just going to keep my mouth shut. And have I ever mentioned that my real life name is Erma?

So that’s the sitch, folks: a whole lot of unbloggable sumthin’ going on. Aside from my blog, the biggest victim of my incessant busy-ness has been my dear, sweet Vespa. For the past several months, the poor thing has only been ridden every week or two weeks, and then just to make sure it’s still running. However, I do have my California basic skills motorcycle class and driving test coming up (required to convert my motorcycle learner’s permit into an M1 driver’s license before the permit’s expiration date, also coming up). I have to buy motorcycle boots to wear to class. I also have to ride an actual motorcycle as opposed to my lil’ scooter. The whole affair promises loads of blogworthy potential and possibly a trip or two to the emergency room. I’m sure neither of you can wait.